trapped in an eddy, watching the water sweep past

God I hate inertia.

To get out of my current situation, I need to run full speed ahead into something else (job applications namely), but in my current state of stasis it's seeming less and less likely. I'm vacillating constantly between wanting another lab job (further the career I'm starting to hate and all...) and wanting to ditch life via a 20-30 hour a week part time job that provides enough benefits, salary, and time to live for a few months unencumbered by the real world. The lab job would provide me with the chance to save more money for a long-term goal (ie house, long vacation, etc), while with a reduced salary and work time, I might have to chisel into my savings account, depending on how long the "unencumbered" phase lasts. The pros and cons could go on forever... and trust me, I could go on debating forever. I'm stuck knee deep in muck and getting out is not getting any easier. In fact, it's only going to get harder the longer I stand in one place.

So it boils down to one question: what would spark me into action?

Option 1: Utter desperation. Current situation becomes beyond unbearable and I send out a job app or two, get interviews and get a new, potentially more miserable, potentially less miserable job. This could potentially take months and would be very similar to my job search last year.

Option 2: Determination to get off the train. I make the decision to step off the career path, find a viable part-time position with benefits, and write my 2-week's notice as soon as I can. This requires decision-making and risk-taking skills beyond what I've shown lately, but not beyond what I'm capable (note the "viable" part of the job...).

Option 3: The discovery of my undying passion. Basically, figure out what the hell I am supposed to do with my life and take every step necessary to get there. This is my ideal situation, but the option that I am ever growing further from the longer I continue to feel soul-crushed.

So the obvious choice to me is getting off the train. There's a chance it will fail miserably and I'll be right back where I started. Only I won't be. I'll be somewhere else. Not here. And I will have learned something about myself, even if it's not what I want to learn. The worst of it will be enduring the opinions that will inevitably develop from people who know me. Some will be happy that I'm trying to be happy, but some will think that I am derailing off a great path. I'll have to chose not to let them get to me. I'll have to chose not to let my own voices get to me.

We'll have to see, won't we?

souls are fragile things

I once read a very astute line in one of my poetry-writing books about writer's block, saying that some writers find that it is hard to write when their mood swings a certain way, be it up or down. I always thought I was a depressive writer. When things looked bad, I always had more to say. I was more sensitive to the world when I was down and more sensitive to the words I felt compelled to blurt all over a page. Usually, the worst moods were accompanied by the most ink-spilling and paper-ripping rampages. So why on earth have I not been writing this time?
Perhaps it is because I am starting to realize that my heart is not aching this time, it is my soul that is simply dying. The principle force I've had in my life is one of apathy. I've detached from pretty much everything that used to matter and have lived a superficially "Okay!" existence. Honestly, it's not all that bad. By not wanting things, I've eradicated most of the emotional pain I used to go through on a regular basis and made it much easier for myself not to take risks or challenge myself to grow. But at the same time, I've lost pieces of myself that I used to define myself by--the poetry, the creativity, the drive to learn, and the daily passion that I used to live with. So I have two choices: redefine myself by the new criteria, or figure out what caused this shift and change it. I've needed to redefine myself post-school, but this is not the me that I want to be. Not at all.

The obvious cause of this is my job. When people ask me how it's going, I generally lie through my teeth and say it's "fine!" No one wants to hear someone else be unhappy, and after all the time I've spent being annoyingly sad for too long, I'm very hesitant to really blurt out any hint of sadness. Regardless, my job was a disaster from the start. It's not at my level, not challenging, lacking in creativity, problem solving, and independent work... and I've lost my drive to even try to make it better, which only makes it worse. Not even the people can keep me around... in fact, some are pushing me away faster than anything else. My original plan was to hold out for the summer, use my 2 weeks of saved up vacation on the things I have planned and just hang on. Starting a new job probably means I will have no vacation for a while... and the summer is the worst time to be trapped inside working. But it's just gotten too bad. I think it's time to push forward, and take my time between jobs to have a vacation. That would be assuming I could find another job with the same amazing benefits during a downturn... Cross your fingers that I can make it out of these woods.

coming full circle

So my CSA adventure started off rather well, with almost all of the veggies used up by the time yesterday's box rolled around. Cooking becomes an adventure in "where can I hide the vegetable?" when your crisper drawer is overflowing. This week I have quite the lovely assortment of delectable organic produce:

cucumbers
red onions
celery
carrots
zucchini
russet potatoes
spinach
broccoli
Texas Honeygold grapefruit
kiwi
braeburn apples

So, my eyes wander over the list, and what do I think? Minestrone! That's the only way to get rid of zucchini without masking it in gallons of soy sauce or baking it into a bread. So far, the onions and spinach (along with some ham I had, and some farmer's market eggs) have produced a VERY tasty omelette. I keep forgetting to write what I'm doing in my food journal, which is sad. But I'm going to try to update a few things from last week in it (including mushroom & broccoli fettuchini alfredo, braised lamb with vegetables, and potato & sunchoke gratin). Turns out cooking can be fun!

leap day means an extra chance

So far, February has mostly been a wash. Yes, I actually did get some stuff done (taxes & CSA), but overall I'm feeling frustrated by this month...

• Flossing is not working for some reason. I want to do it every night, and I'd made it over a week before simply forgetting and going to bed after only brushing. Ever since then, I haven't made it more than 2 days in a row, although it's definitely over 3 days a week since I started, I'm not meeting the goal, or really feeling compelled to.
• The snow has crapped out. Suddenly I don't have powder to board on, and I'm going to struggle to get those last 3 trips to the mountains in. Last Monday, Vinh and I rented skis to make the iced-over day more interesting. It worked, but it's not the same. I'm so happy that I have skill at boarding that I want to continue to develop. Now I just have to think of it as spring season... Even though it's still February. Damn Global Warming.
• I need to post pictures of my snowboard gear that I need to sell... Plus now I need to sell my old raincoat since I got a new one. Maybe this weekend I'll get around to it...
• In the career front, I've been actively reading and thinking about a career in science writing. There's a program at UC Santa Cruz that is highly reputable, but I'm struggling with whether getting a science writing certificate rather than a journalism MA would be worth it if at some point I want to move away from science altogether. I suppose once you've established a record and a career in journalism, any kind of writing will open up whether I have a fancy degree or not. Now if I would just CALL the admissions people and see if I have a chance in hell at getting in...
  
• I also realized that I HAVE been trying new restaurants in seattle... Starting with January 1st. Jade Gardens with Vinh (1-1-08) and also O'Asian with my parents (2-9-08). Both dim sum places. Jade Gardens wins for food, O'Asian for atmosphere.

So that's the list of what I'm acctually accomplishing. Maybe more of a story-based entry to come.

taking it to the tax man

Not a particularly exciting tax return, like always, but a finished return! This is the first year that I've managed to file before April... and I think before April 14th. I've never gotten money back, and this year is no different. I'd forgotten to switch my status at PSBC from exempt to non-exempt last January, so I'd earned over $8000 without paying any taxes at all. Luckily, I caught it after I switched to FHCRC, and had them withhold a little more. Not quite enough it turns out, but since I owe less than $500, I'm not upset about it. That's what I get for making money now. I'm definitely not going to be saving money this month, but I'm not going to be pinching pennies, AND I'm not going to be freaking out come April. Check off #39!

The other day I fell off the flossing wagon though. I slept-walked through brushing my teeth and just wandered straight off to bed rather than flossing. It really does take 21 days to form a habit... The 9 days I had couldn't quite cut it. Then I just got lazy last night and blew it again. No more of that!

In other news, I'm signed up to get a CSA box from Full Circle Farm this week (#26 in progress!) and will get to have fun with parsnips, bok choy, and cremini mushrooms. Should be interesting at least...

at the end of a long, dark tunnel

Evidently, there is more going on in my life than I want to admit to myself. Yesterday, about an hour after arriving at work my vision tunneled, my right hand tingled, and my hairline felt like it would split open. Luckily (if you can call it that), this time I knew what was going on. A migraine. This time I was not alone in a foreign country, 9 hours off of the time zone of everyone I cared about, and separated from everyone around me by a language barrier (although, "migraine" is the same word in both English and French, and carries the same sympathetic weight no matter where you say it). Instead, this time I simply left work, took the bus home, and huddled under the covers of my bed with a heavy dose of Advil and caffeine until 6pm, when the pain finally subsided. Happily, I'm well rested now.

What surprises me about this episode is how rarely I get migraines. I can only specifically recall 3 instances that were distinctly migraines: after high school graduation, in Paris, and yesterday. The previous two I had attributed to the denouemont of a climax of stress. Only problem with this theory: what the heck have I been stressed about? I suppose if you really look at it, I've been stressed out ever since I graduated from UW. Finding a job, learning a new job, buying a car, christmas, getting the car tabs and ensuing processes... I've really never stepped off of a roller-coaster since last December. So no wonder really.

The question is how the heck I'm going to manage to deal with my stress, since the sources aren't actually going to go away. I still have to deal with working, having and affording my car, and day-to-day life. This summer I'm hoping to make a dent. Hopefully a few backpacking trips will ease the pain of the daily grind. Snowboarding is making a big dent in the Real World growing pains, while adding in the stress. Maybe I really need to find a source of relaxation that I'm not trying yet... like doing a short yoga practice on a more daily basis, or at least meditating. Where I'm going to find time for that, I'm not sure seeing as how I've failed to find the time to merely clean up my room for ages.

At the very least, I think Saturday is going to be for me. A little cleaning, a little coffee shopping, a little farmer's market and tasty cooking. Definitely wine.

Yes, that will make the migraines stay away. Perhaps migraines aren't that bad... they give me a chance to remember, every year and a half or more, that I'm pushing myself too hard and not taking advantage of what I do actually have going for me.

a month's worth

February dawns are right around the corner and as such, I have 2 weeks to work on my first short list. So, how am I doing?

To finish by Feb. 14th:
12. Brush teeth 2x a day for a month straight. (30/30) (1-30-08)
34. Set up automatic payments for insurance and car payments.
38. Sell snowboard and coat on Craigslist.
39. Do my taxes by Valentine's Day.
40. Get car details completely fixed up (4th headlight, check engine light, etc).
62. Learn to knit cables. (1-1-08)
82. Send thank-you notes for all gifts from Christmas and birthdays. (C07, B08, C08, B09, C09, B10)

The good news is, I've got two things completely crossed off for the month of January and many more in progress. I'm taking my car in tomorrow so I should be able to cross off #40 by the end of Saturday. Taxes shouldn't take long at all, as will sending in the other form for my insurance automatic payment... I just need to get around to them. I'd forgotten about selling my old snowboard stuff, so I'm glad that I've checked this! Perhaps I'll post the whole shebang on craigslist Saturday. This list is completely manageable to finish by Feb. 14th! Then I can start working on some of the more fun stuff... Car repairs are less than fun.

On the other hand, my "hopefully in progress" list looks a little worse:

To start working towards:
2. Become capable enough at yoga to comfortably complete a level II class.
3. Snowboard 10x in one season. (5/10)
17. Take a spa day once every 3 months (Hot House, Massage, Facial, Manicure/Pedicure, or Bubble Bath work!) (1/11)
24. Fill food journal with recipes.
56. Write a journal entry everyday for at least 3 months straight (Embodiment). (30/92)
60. Complete a Project 365 (or 366...). (30/366)
67. Back-up hard drive 1x a month for a year straight. (0/12)
68. Get desk fully organized and keep it neat for 3 months.
93. Join Netflicks and develop a 20-movie list. Watch them. (0/20)
94. Buy 10 CD's rather than downloading. (1/10)

I have taken steps on the road to finishing some things on this list, mostly the journaling, Project 366, and snowboarding (which, if the passes weren't closed and I didn't have to work I would be fulfilling another notch on today *sniffles*). Everything else is really falling by the wayside... which within a 3 year time frame doesn't matter too much. I need things to work on between Valentine's Day and Easter after all...