Warm Fuzzies

We had some extra guests at today's seminar in Dallas: two ten-day-old cottontail bunnies being nursed by two participants who regularly do animal rescue work. These little guys had just opened their eyes, and were residing in a cozy basket lined with a sweater for most of the seminar. They were so absurdly adorable! It made me miss Zoe terribly though... King sized beds are definitely big enough to accommodate her nighttime sprawl and I think I could use the snuggles.

Disconnect is a part of this job. I've walked away from everyone I know and have to forge what I can out of transitory encounters. Luckily, my friends are amazing. The number of people who I'm in touch with on a regular basis surprises me honestly, but I guess I'm making more of an effort myself as well. I feel like I can see into the future where I'll be sitting at this registration table and feeling so incredibly alone and lost in the world... unable to even remember my room number after so many room numbers have passed through my head... but what I know I can count on is that there are a lot of people back home and other places that are still there, waiting for me to call and talk about each and every crazy thing that's happened.

There's program managers that I can share the nitty-gritty complaints about hotel staff that won't bring the banquet bill unless chased up and down three long hallways; girlfriends to squeal about the cute waiter that brought my dinner and stayed around to chat since I was alone and it was long past the rush; and then there's the guy friends who insist on worrying about my safety and are there to talk to when I'm walking somewhere a little sketchy or in a strange taxi (even if the solace I get is from what I see as their unneccessary anxiety). Mom and Dad are a constant... and my lil' sis, who's getting her own place, has me all excited for her!

Really, I've got all the warm fuzzies I need and I'm discovering that I'm resourceful enough to find whatever I'm lacking while being on the road. Well, at least for the first week and a half...

When life is like TV, you just hope it's a comedy

I've had my many sit-com moments in my life, the greatest of which may have been the twins/junior prom episode, but I won't go into that one right now. Right now I'm getting snippets of a certain cartoon...

First things first, I'm in Houston having a lovely seminar. Next door there is a seminar for Terminex workers. One guy in particular has been coming over and chatting me up, in a friendly, only slightly skeezy way. Thing is, the guy has a complete "King of the Hill" accent... and at one point commented on my lunch (a goat cheese salad from Trader Joes) by saying "We had steak!"

He's totally Dale.

Flights

As per the great KAL's suggestion, I've inputted my flights into flightmemory.com. Now you can all see my ridiculous hours spent on planes and look at a criscrossed map to see how insane I actually am. The link to my flights is at:

http://my.flightmemory.com/arirose

I've also included it in the links at the right column. Have fun tracking me around the country!

Week 1 Recap

The lack of posts last week might be rectified this week... I brought my computer. Even better, I'm sitting at my gate waiting for my Continental flight to Houston and discovered that I'm close enough to the outside of the "Elite Access" club room that I can pick up the free wifi signal. :)

Last week was a whirlwind... Packing was stressful, flying was typical, renting a car and driving in a new state was completely new and different, and being with my training group was fun and helped me get a handle on how all of these various little components of the job come together to make sense on a daily basis. Yet, it was nice to get rid of all the extra people and just do the job. Learning anything new takes more mental energy than once you've got a handle on it, and that was definitely the case all week. I came home exhausted, but thrilled with everything.

As for the highlights: seeing Maureen in Atlanta, making a lunch run over the river to take pictures in Kansas, getting room service and watching the debate in St. Louis, and splurging on a taxi ride to the Five Points South district of Birmingham and getting Indian at Taj, as recommended by a friend who grew up in B-ham. Some of the crazy moments: driving into construction and detour "road spaghetti" on the way to the St. Louis airport, working with the slowest staff ever in B-ham and having to ask for every little detail that was already outlined on their confirmation sheet, and realizing that coming into a city in the dark every night means I might be sketched out in even a nice part of town. My presenter this week was nice enough, although she had very little interest in going out or leaving the hotel. In fact, she liked to get to where she needed to go right away and stay there. No dinners out with her, but at least I had my training group to ease the boredom.

So some statistics (as per the suggestion of my dear friend KN :)):

• flights: 4
• airlines: Delta (x2), Southwest, American
• cars rented: Blue Chevy Trailblazer
• states visited: Georgia, Missouri, Kansas, Alabama
• new states: 4
• dinners alone: 2

This week is a southwest adventure, from Houston to San Antonio, to Dallas, to Phoenix, to Alburquerque and then home. I'll be flying every day this week and racking up the miles! We'll see how much internet I can manage, but hopefully I'll be able to at least stake out claims near the elite clubs. :)

The Proof is in the Packing

Does there ever come a time when doubt won't leak in around the tightly sealed edges of your thoughts? Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting beside an open window in a rainstorm--the window screen catches the drops and splinters them into a fine mist when they are small, but as they grow in size and force the screen does nothing to hold them back from splattering all over my face. I can sit in a room and know that in three weeks time, everything I'm being presented with will be simple, and that in three months time it will be second nature. I can know that I am amazing myself with my ability to be someone I can hardly recognize while still be able to be someone who is more myself than I have been in ages. I can know that there is no reason to be nervous or scared, since everything will work itself out... and the doubt can still creep in.

I know better than to worry or to feel like I can't handle this, because I so completely can. My resume proves it, my friends and family know it, and the company would not have hired me if I hadn't shown it very convincingly. Even with all the support the company is providing to me and all my fellow travelers, our managers have said more than once that if we are not feeling overwhelmed by the end of the week, we are kidding ourselves. They were exactly right. Day one was much easier to get through without feeling nervous, but after going through more of the nitty-gritty details today, I'm starting to feel it creeping in.

Really though, when you first start any job you're bound to feel overwhelmed. Aside from that, this job is potentially much more overwhelming than any other I've had because once you are on the road by yourself, you're in charge of almost everything and have all the freedom in the world to make decisions, and make mistakes. Basically, we've got 4 days in town preparing, 2 days on the road with managers and groups, and 1 day with a buddy to help keep us in line, then 2 days on our own with our presenters and away we go. It's hard to keep in mind that we've had 2 days here, and there are still 2 to go... and that in that amount of time we'll be able to learn so much. It's just interesting to me how easy it is to get completely down on myself yet have that positive voice still screaming out to be believed. I feel likes I just need some kind of proof that I can do this job, or to actually be able to take myself on faith.

But I'll either have to wait till Monday to see how I actually handle a seminar or suddenly find faith in myself. Maybe I can find the faith and the proof together. After all, that is the real goal of this whole adventure.

a movement

Turns out organization is a never-ending process. Somehow there is always something new to find a place for, make a system around, or just stuff in a box to get it out of the way. A part of me wants to take all the shells in my room and send them out to sea... set them free so that I don't have to find another place for them.

Moving home is hard in so many ways. My room has been empty space for so long that it's accumulated lots of old mementos as well as some newer ones. The time has come to move some stuff out of the way, but how do you get rid of beautiful or meaningful objects? I can't. Instead I put them into a trunk and try to figure out where to put the trunk. The trunk feels like a giant weight of what I used to be... in some ways an embarrassment in its proof that I've been so far from where I want to be. I'm in a mood of wanting to drop everything and cling to everything at the same time. I miss my old room so much it hurts, and all it was was a tiny box I could hardly fit my stuff into.

I've got my bookshelf set up, and that makes it feel more like home. Only one problem: the text books lurking on the bottom shelf, reminding me that I haven't started studying yet. I'm so wrapped up in procrastination I'm starting to wonder if I'll actually take the subject GRE. The plan seems so clear: Go to UCSC next fall if they'll have me. The practice is one of getting past all the emotional roadblocks I have. I hate grad school in principle: you have to be prepared to go almost a full year before you actually start classes. I have one month to cram if I decide to do it. I can do it, reasonably well, but I have to decide.

I have to get moving, get my errands run, get things in order. Soon, I'll be moving non-stop and there will be no time for nerves.

the tingle of fear

I find it interesting that lately I don't really go out of my way to investigate what I'm afraid of, or to really write about it often.  I don't try getting to the heart of why watching political events unfold sometimes makes me burst into tears or why my hands sometimes start shaking while I try to do things to prepare for my new job.  I don't really look into why I'm reaching out to so many people in a superficial way, trying to re-establish connections that in the past I just let slide.  

I don't write about how scared I am that no one has the answers for the country and that really, no one knows who would be able to deal better with the circumstances that have yet to fall into place over the next four years.  However, I do know some things that I cannot stand for and watching those exact principles supported so strongly by both friends and complete strangers makes me ache inside.  

I don't write that I'm actually scared that my little "crash course in social skills" is going to prove over my head.  I'd rather not give any purchase to the idea that I am innately socially inept.  

Even more so, I don't want to admit that I'm scared that I will lose all tenuous connections to the people in my life over the next year.  I don't want to say that sometimes I worry that I will lose people to significant others, to other friends who are more relatable and exciting, or to a eventual boredom with me and lack of connection due to my absence.  I don't want to admit that I am still scared that I cannot live up to expectations.

So I just try not to look into it.  I might put on fancy pants and heels and look in the mirror and see the eight-year-old girl with scraggly hair that never figured out how to grow up, but I blink over and over until I see the twenty-four year old version standing there, less awkwardly.  I pull out my grown-up phone and try to find a way to assure myself that I do know what I'm doing.  I write lists of books I will try to read, and make pizzas to "better myself" and don't post about being scared.  Because really, all fear takes its power from my admission of it and my acquiescence to it.  If I stand up and laugh at it I can move forward.  If I wallow in it, I am consumed by it.

But it is such a comforting blanket... or at least it disguises itself that way.